Bugs, rodents, and reptiles love me. And no, I am not bragging. It has been awhile since I have given you an entertaining glimpse into my life in the Philippines and the creatures it is home to. Therefore the creatures my apartment is home to.
*gathers strength*
Ask my family and they will tell you, I am no fan of bugs. Many a time I have summoned my dad from whatever sports event he happened to be watching on TV to kill a bee, spider, wasp, or other creepy crawly that had invaded my room. And all the while he muttered under his breath. I get no credit for helping him cement his manly status or designation in life. Ingratitude…
I won’t lie, I have said many times that one good purpose for a husband is to kill bugs. I think God created men for this reason. I sincerely wish I had my boyfriend in my apartment when a big, nasty cockroach appears. Stupid tropical climate.
The other night I was taking my dinner dishes into the kitchen to wash when I see a nasty cockroach on the floor. I whine and then start looking around for a shoe. Here’s the deal though…I don’t want to get too close. In fact, this night I did not even want to get close enough to squish it. So instead I climbed up on my counter (on the dining room side, further away from the kitchen the cockroach had infiltrated) and decided I would throw my shoe down on top of it to kill it. Attempt 1=miss. A tiny scurry from the cockroach, a small squeal from me. (very similar to the “One step for man, one giant leap for mankind” quote, only much less ground-breaking) Attempt 2=fail. It only proceeded to send the cockroach over by my front door, and I assumed, underneath it and out. We shall return to him later.
The next day was a national holiday so I was at home. At lunchtime I went to the kitchen and see a big lizard in my sink. Dang it. I don’t want to kill it, who knows what kind of mess that will leave or how difficult the task itself would be. So instead I try to scare it into scurrying off wherever it came from. I start by kicking the cabinet underneath. This does nothing to shake the nerves of steel the lizard possesses. My second technique involved throwing small objects into the sink to try to scare it into running away. What was close at hand? Coins. Throw 1 encouraged a slight move of the lizard further into the sink. Throw 2=no reaction. Throw 3 & 4=nothing. Obviously this is not working. Time to pull out the big guns. My neighbor. A quick text confirmed for me that he was out of the building but would be back in 30 min and would check with me then. So I willingly played the waiting game. This was much preferred than my previous failed efforts.
As promised, he arrived 30 min later. I hurried to get the front door while first kicking away my attempted murder weapon from the night before: my flip flop. As I moved it out of the way I made a horrifying discovery–the cockroach has NOT scurried under the door, rather it took up residence under my overturned shoe and waited out the storm. As I had suddenly moved his rubber bunker, he frantically started running around again. Only this time, it was me he was coming after. I ran away from the entry way, looking behind me while shriekingly noticing that he was chasing me. Thankfully, my rescuer bounded into action. With a slap of his shoe, the cockroach’s attack came to an end. Then we only had the lizard to deal with. At first my neighbor tried shooing him away, but I insisted that I’d rather not have him running about in my apt and asked politely if he could capture him and deposit him outside. Something I was too much of a wuss to accomplish. It took all of two seconds for him to grab a paper towel and take the reptile to a safe distance. Sigh of relief. He is my Mother Theresa. I think she’d be rather offended at the comparison, but he should be eligible for sainthood in my eyes. Or at least a really shiny gold star.
And lest I think my days with tiny crawling things is over…I came into the office yesterday to find a mouse running around. Does the excitement/terror never end?
For all you extremely intelligent and dexterous bugs out there who are reading this and think I am Mrs. Dolittle…I am not! Please leave me alone. I have my neighbor on speed dial and I am not afraid to use him. Let this be a warning…tell your friends.